Why Do You Go Away? So You Can Come Back

Well, I've been there and back again as Tolkien would put it, and with the customary chests of gold to prove it, so long as chests can be suitcases and gold can consist of quinoa, clothing, candles, and many other things that don't start with /k/, if you can believe it. Allow me my alliteration, alright?

Anyway (sorry, sorry, I promise I'll stop), I've been back from vacation for about three weeks, which means I finally have the energy and presence of mind to write about, well, anything. Jetlag is rough, kids. Add that to the horrendously hot weather, and my sleep has been, in a word, crappy.

Each trip home has been weird in a different way. The first year it was mostly exciting and a bit surreal. My life in Korea started to feel like a dream, and I was surprised upon coming back to find everything exactly where I'd left it. My second visit was just odd and stressful and unsettled- I feel like I never really got my balance. And this year?

This year was the first time I felt any strong desire to move back home. I met my friends, and saw the lives they were living, and for a moment I thought...this could be me. Do I want this to be me?

I've been in Korea long enough now that a lot of the great things have become invisible, which puts the negative things up in sharp contrast. Some things are specific to Korea, while others are things that come with living in a country where you don't speak the language fluently. It's dumb, but the the Korea-specific complaint that I always go back to is bars. I used to love just popping into a local place around 5 or 6 PM, not to get drunk, but to sip on a drink at the bar and write or meet people. One time I talked for an hour with a guy who owned a company that cleaned up houses of hoarders or after a dead body wasn't found for a long time. Gross but fascinating.

It's also much harder to make friends and develop relationships, partially because of cultural differences, but also because of the language barrier. I wouldn't say it's necessarily difficult, but it's certainly more of a challenge. That's probably one of the biggest lures of moving back to Seattle or the US. Not only do I have a preexisting collection of friends, I know the rules of social engagement much better. 

However, for every positive outcome I could get by moving back the US, there is an equal and opposite negative outcome. Whenever I imagine moving, I forget that I won't be able to bring my well-paying job and rent-free living situation with me. I'd have to deal with the horrible US healthcare situation again. I'd go back to cat-calling and gun violence and an inability to afford an apartment of my own. That's a big one, I must admit. Living alone is a gift I'm not sure I'm willing to part with just yet.

I'm lucky to have the job that I have, to be able to support myself at 26, debt-free, with the ability to travel on my own dime, and not have to stress about the bill at a fancy restaurant most of the time. Any time I start to complain, I try to remind myself of that. Not in a "there are STARVING CHILDREN in [insert stereotypical poor country] so EAT your green beans for crissakes" but in a more...count your blessings sort of way. Visiting home every summer is a great way to remind me of that.

Home is Where?

Well, it didn’t matter. He’d had enough. He wasn’t going to try to understand anything anymore. He was going home.  

 Except that wizards can never go home.

-Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

I come back to that quote every once in a while. When I first read Sourcery, back in high school, I breezed right past it; during a more recent read, it jumped off the page and lodged itself in my brain, and so far, despite my best efforts, I've been unable to kick it out.

Home is something I think about a lot. I've moved so many times that it's taken on a sort of hazy, unfocused quality. There's my hometown, where some of my family is, the place when I spent my childhood. There's my mom's home, in a town I've never lived in. Is it Seattle, where I graduated college? When I say "I want to go home," what do I mean?

This isn't exactly an original line of thought, but it's something that always comes up after I visit my family. Almost exactly a year ago I wrote (if I may me gauche and quote myself): "So all this musing begs the question: where is my home? Seattle, Port Townsend, Sequim...I felt like a visitor in all three. In Korea...I will always stand out; that's okay with me, but [will I] ever find a place I can really put my roots down[?]"

I wish I could say things have changed drastically, but wishes, fishes, et cetera, no I can't. If anything, Seattle/Port Townsend/Sequim (hell is a triumvirate?) felt less like home on this visit, while Korea has remained largely the same; comforting, more settled perhaps, but not yet entirely home. While no part of me wants to move back to Seattle and live out my life as a Seattleite, there's something sad and nostalgic about letting go of that avenue.

As a child, I always liked to imagine what my life would be like in the future; this continued throughout university, and frankly, I still do it. Back then, my only examples of Cool Adults were in Port Townsend and Seattle, so most of my imaginings were very Northwest-centric. Maybe I'd live in one of those interesting old houses with hardwood floors, with a dog or a cat and a yard and a local coffee shop where I knew the owner. I'd drink tea on gloomy winter afternoons and try to survive until spring. Not a bad life.

That's not the life I want anymore, but even so, it's hard to let go.

Part of what moved me further away from my old roots this past year was, I believe, the fact that I've been living in an apartment that I really feel is my "place". For the first time in my life, I'm living by myself and in an apartment that is actually big enough for me to decorate and set up entirely in my style. Open space, nerdy posters, color coordination--I've been living the dream.

But alas...I have to move. I'm trying not to freak out, but when I first got the news, I was hard-pressed to keep my anxiety at bay. What about my furniture? My cat? Will I have to leave a neighborhood I've learned to love? I only ever expected to live in this place for two years, but that second year was sort of the point. It takes a while to really settle into a place, but once I'm settled, I'd like to...you know...enjoy it?? Is that too much to ask? Apparently yes. Yes it is.

I'm really nervous about this move. Last year moving was fine, because the goal was to move from a place I didn't care for to a better place. Nowhere to go but up! Now I'm moving from a place I love to...where? Who knows. I don't even have much control over the apartment-hunting situation. I am grateful that my school is helping me, I'm lucky to not have to pay rent, but even so...the older I get, the more I grow into my control-freakiness.

Well, at this point, there's nothing I can do but worry needlessly, and as much as I'm trying to do that less...it's an ongoing process. Here's hoping I get lucky and move into an even better place, and someday, just maybe, I'll finally find a place to go home to.

Get a Move On: A Tour of My New Apartment in Korea

As you may have gathered from my previous post, my dreams of living in a space bigger than a shoebox are finally coming true! By which I mean, of course, I moved!

Unfortunately I never really got any good pictures of my old place, but it was quite small. Bigger than a dorm room, but not by much. My "kitchen" was a microwave with a hotplate perched on top, and if I had dishes to dry I didn't have even an inch of counter space. No table, no chair, no couch, just a bed and a TV and a dresser. I'm not complaining, though; for the first place I've ever lived in without a roommate, it was quite nice. Certainly cozy in the winter!

However, when it came time to renew the lease, I felt the need for something...more. Like a stove. And the ability to invite more than one person over without running out of space. My new place feels ridiculously huge in comparison. I'm pretty sure my new bedroom is bigger than my old apartment in it's entirety, and the concept of having multiple rooms is really confusing me at this point. I keep losing track of my stuff because I leave it in a different room.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's do a tour!

I'm teaching him English.

My place is above a 삼겹살 (Korean BBQ) restaurant, so I have to enter through a sort of back courtyard that is "guarded" by the cutest little black lab puppy. He's a bit shy, but I'm sure we'll become friends before too long. The courtyard is actually part of the prep area of the kitchen, meaning that in the evening I sometimes have to pick my way around cabbage scraps from kimchi making or confuse restaurant patrons who were just looking for the bathroom. "Why is there a white girl in gym clothes in the back room of my restaurant?" I imagine them thinking.

My landlords are forever interested in my life as well. In a way it feels like living with family. If I come home late, they want to know where I was, and make sure I ate dinner. If I go out, they want to know why I'm getting coffee but not dinner. I once came home with a big shopping bag and the grandpa was super curious about what I'd bought. "Did you buy something pretty?"

I know this might sound a bit annoying, but it's actually oddly comforting. It's nice to know there's someone looking out for me. Also, I turn it into a game of stealth. Can I get past the dog without making him bark, then across the courtyard and into the safety of my apartment before anyone notices me? It's fun~

Even my door is exciting.

Once I make it up the stairs I get to enjoy all the benefit of a potted garden with none of the responsibility of watering and transplanting. I also really enjoy this fancy door. It's little details like this that make even an apartment feel fancy.

Please, come in.

Entrance...pretty normal. The shoe cabinet is what matters, though. I can fit all of my shoes in there, with a whole shelf empty to fill with NEW shoes. Total enabler. There's also a pretty sweet section for stuff like umbrellas and gloves and hats. I might install a coat hanger system of some sort, but I'm not entirely sure about the logistics of that just yet. I figure hot water and a bed should come before things like coat hangers.

Please ignore the mess.

A view from the entrance, with suitcases for scale. Look at all the natural light! The bedroom has southern exposure and a big window so it's really cheery even on cloudy days.


Again, sorry about the mess. They redid the entire kitchen right before I moved in, so it's really nice. I have a gas range with two burners, a microwave from my previous place, a nice big sink, and more cabinets than I know what to do with. I don't currently have a fridge but...I'm working on that.

The window in the kitchen/living room area sadly looks out on nothing more than an alley, and it's so close to my neighbors that I can listen to their television shows in the evening.

If not for the piles of clothes it would almost be artistic.

I know it may be a bit early in our relationship, but I feel that it's time to invite you into my bedroom. I'd also like to introduce you to my #1 fan.

Okay, I'm sorry, those were two horrible jokes in a row. I promise I'll try to be serious from now on. This bedroom was what originally made me fall in love with this apartment. It's a nice size, bright white walls, and sunlight streaming in through the big window. It does face out onto the street so I'll need some curtains to shut out the light pollution of the local shops, but it's totally worth it for the feeling of waking up to bright sunshine. I can't decide if I want to get a real bed or a futon/mat type thing. This vast expanse of empty apartment feels so full of potential. I could put anything in here!

Always necessary.

I also have a bigger bathroom with a nicer mirror and better lighting. The red color scheme is nothing I would have chosen on my own, but it's growing on me, even if it clashes with the wall colors.

So far, I'm really happy with this space. I'm missing a lot of furniture still, so it feels a bit like camping, but I know I'll work that out over the next couple weeks. Sorry if this wasn't the most entertaining of posts, but I figure that maybe one or two people will be curious about my new digs.

Any tips on how I should arrange the living room and kitchen? I have no idea where to put the fridge.