I've been trying to write this post for a while, trying to put my thoughts into some sort of order rather than funneling my rage, disappointment, fear, and sadness into a incoherent jumble of sound of fury. If I'm going to scream, I want it to signify something. I can't promise that it will, but I think I'm ready to try.
Now, I've never been the most patriotic of people. I grew up in a hippie stronghold in the middle of a consistently Democratic state, and while my parents are about as American as they come, we were never the sort of people to chant USA! USA! well...ever. When my family asks if I'll ever move back to the states, my stock reasons against it usually boil down to "but my country hates me". However, despite all that, there have always been so many things to love about the USA. While it could be better, the diversity and opportunity are real, especially compared to a homogeneous place like South Korea.
As so many have said, fuck 2016. For a while I even had to delete the Facebook app from my phone, because the constant bombardment of depressing news was just too much for me. It all came to a head two last month. Watching the election was not unlike that tumblr meme, which goes like this.
me (to america): hoe don't do it.
america: *does it*
me: omg
While 99% of me was sure there was no way the American people could be stupid enough to elect that cheeto man to office, there was a small part of me that was entirely unsurprised when it happened. A resigned, hopeless, almost nihilistic part of me even thought...good. You get what you asked for, people. You wished on the monkey's paw, don't be surprised when everything falls apart. Let's just scrap the country and start over. We're only 200 years in, that's barely past the tutorial! Or maybe...did you have autosave turned on? A backup? No?
But this isn't a game. This is real life, real people. This is my queer sister and her trans partner. This is the lives of my friends and family. This is a country that has abandoned so many of its own people. If I feel hated as a cis, white, bisexual woman, how must immigrants, people of color, and all those people who have it even worse than me, feel right now? If I am disappointed and hurting, how must they feel?
More than ever, I feel my privilege, and it leaves me torn. There's an entire ocean between me and Tronald Dump (I hope to keep it that was as much as possible) and it would be so, so easy to just ignore it all. My friends and most of my family back the US live in very liberal areas and are comparatively safe. A treacherous part of me wants to keep my head down, focus on the day to day of my job, and leave the fighting to someone else. But I hate that part.
The bigger, better part of me wants to fight, and simultaneously makes me feel incredibly guilty for being an ocean away, unable to be on the front lines. It takes more than a blog post, a tweet, a donation. I tell myself that teaching kids to be better people in any country adds to the global non-shittiness quotient, but it's hard to believe when the shit has so dramatically hit the fan in my own country. Sure, it feels as if my country hates me, but have I already abandoned my country? Is it my responsibility as a teacher to go home?
Admittedly, a big part of this is that ongoing existential crisis I've been grappling with for the past few months. What am I doing with my life? Am I really accomplishing anything? What will my legacy be? I blame Lin-Manuel Miranda for that last one. His quotes are haunting me.
On the one hand, being an American abroad gives me a better perspective on the global impact of American politics. It's often surreal to live in a country that has such a generally positive opinion of the US. Just like the US, Korea's political system is rife with corruption and nepotism, college graduates are unable to find jobs, and women are still fighting for many rights that they should have without question. However, many of the people I talk to seem genuinely surprised to find out that America isn't the shining city on the hill it claims to be. They believe in the American dream as much as I wish I could.
I'm doing the best I can. I may not be strong, or loud; my voice can reach only a few. I want to believe in an America that is everything we like to say it is. So I'm going to keep fighting, in the small things I can do. I'm going to teach my students. I'm going to call out racism and inequality and shittiness when I see it. I'm not going to keep my head down, even when I want to.
“You're gonna miss each and every shot you can't be bothered to take. That's not living life--that's just being a tourist. Take every shot, Kate. If it's worth caring about, no matter how impossible you think it is--you take the shot.”
-Hawkeye, Matt Fraction
No comments:
Post a Comment